In the last editions of The Brown Self, I have written extensively about how leaving my job has triggered monumental shifts in my life. I shared thoughts on capitalism, on grappling with failure at the brink of my thirties, reckoning with the loss of social and financial status. While listing all the things I have left behind by leaving the corporate world, I have found myself thinking a lot about my relationship with alcohol and drinking.
I come from a family and culture where alcohol often goes hand in hand with merrymaking. My childhood memories are filled with fond occurrences of my parents, uncles and aunts breaking bread and sipping on their full-bodied whiskeys deep into warm summer nights. They looked happy. I also witnessed the flip side of the coin - the drunken stupors, the whispers of alcohol-induced domestic violence, the men who could only connect with their emotions after blurring their senses with larak. There are too many instances, in my family and beyond, of the devastating toll alcoholism can have, and its consequences ricochet from one generation to the next.
There is no easy way to say it, but there are many alcoholics in my family, and I was well on the way to becoming one. I am probably a textbook alcoholic in many respects. The dependence intensified when I started working. It felt normal back then; after-work drinks are a staple of corporate, startup life - it is where bonds are created, barriers are broken down and lines blurred.
In retrospect, I now understand that, under the guise of merry-making, I used alcohol to numb my senses. Day in, day out, clocking in for a job, not knowing what the hell I wanted to do with my life, drinking was an escape to keep the invasive thoughts at bay, especially the realisation that my life felt meaningless. Before long, I used to drink nearly every night of the week. Back then it felt like a metric of how active my social life was - I would often joke that Monday was my only sober day of the week. Now, I was not slipping mini bottles of vodkas into my morning green tea, nor was I trembling in anticipation of my next drink. But the regularity of my consumption, my capacity of handling large amounts of alcohol and my inability to stop myself from reaching out for a second, third, fourth glass, are strong indicators of my casual alcoholism. It is a form of dependence that is tolerated, even encouraged, in both Mauritian and French cultures.
I love the tingle when the tipsiness takes over; inhibitions drop and I feel like I can love the people around me better, in a fuller way. My physical insecurities slip away, fuelled by the buzz of the gin tonics and tequila shots. But it is only an illusion, sweetened by the taste of bubbles and soured by the throbbing headaches and memory gaps that occur the next day. I was using alcohol to make life feel bigger. Living with a partner who has never drunk a drop of alcohol has helped me confront my dependence head-on. It was a hard reckoning because I took it as a personal attack - I did not feel like I had an alcohol problem. But I did.
The lockdown surprisingly helped. It was a relief to see that I could spend months without a single drop of alcohol. And I liked myself better. Leaving my job has allowed me to get rid of the FOMO of after-work parties, the pressure of having fun (a synonym for drinking) every single night to compensate for the dreariness of my daily routine. I don’t need to numb my feelings of inadequacy with alcohol - I am meeting them head-on. I am doing my best to learn the right lessons to make my thirties the healthiest and most fulfilling years of my life, even if it means going slow on the bubbles for while.
I don’t think I have read any books about alcoholism or drug dependence, but I have probably read books with alcoholic characters. The series Euphoria comes to my mind, as does I May Destroy You. If you have any suggestions, the comment box below is, as per usual, all yours.
A couple of articles recs:
Here is a list of articles and posts I have read this week and thoroughly enjoyed:
‘To this day my granny swears her younger sister was taken by a mermaid’: From Mami Wata, to La Siréne, mermaids have always been a part of African and Caribbean mythology and spirituality by Zahra Spencer
(In French) Troisième Oeil: Pourquoi l'appropriation culturelle fait-elle mal ? by PulanDevii
That’s all for today! I have many projects cooking in the oven, but I hope that I get to keep The Brown Self up and running for a more personal and introspective take on whatever is happening around me. For those who are still reading - thank you for carving the time out of the dreariest day of the week for my words.
Stay safe and healthy,
S.
On casual alcoholism
So powerful Sabrina !! Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this important subject with such honesty !! It make me think about this movie « Drunk », I recommend it.
Hi there ! I recently read a book about drug dependency which is "Low" by Jeet Tayil. I really recommend it. :-)