On learning how to listen
Collective learning, grassroots education programs and predatory listeners
As part of my self-care/repair regimen, which now includes a simplified 3 step skincare routine, weight training, therapy and monthly massages, I enrolled in a social justice-based education programme “Power”. Created by Lallab, an incredible Muslim, feminist and anti-racist NGO, its goal is to empower a group of 20-ish women through monthly workshops to gain confidence, knowledge and tools to deal specifically with racism and harassment in the workplace. We are coached and mentored by brilliant women - academics, coaches, lawyers and entrepreneurs - who are generously transmitting their know-how to us. The goal is to switch off our survival mode while nourishing our minds with sociology, literature, creative writing and collective healing.
These weekends are both emotionally draining and bolstering. They require us to look deep and hard at our past experiences and revisit some of the worst parts of our adult lives - which, to my Muslim co-students, are unfortunately rife and particularly dehumanising. I feel humbled to be part of this space and collective that allows for community-building, critical thinking and community caring. I think I never really realised up until this point how important learning and growing as a group is, especially when learning is stripped of the usual capitalistic/productivist markers that we are sadly accustomed to.
One workshop that particularly stands out to me is one we did on the art of listening and communication. Paya Ndiaye, a charismatic trainer in Social Justice Education, facilitated an interactive session on how to be cognizant of the different communication styles and needs of those around us, and provided us with a deep dive into the three common types of listening:
Predatory listening: listening to what somebody has to say with the intention of using their words against them or using it as fodder to attack or discredit them
Internal listening: this is one of the most infuriating forms of listening, and one that I have come to hate with all my living cells. People who indulge in this form of listening only use whatever you have to say as a trampoline for their thoughts, and fail to take the time to digest or comment on what you have just said or ask you questions. Not only will they press you to finish talking, but they will also be internally rehearsing the story they want to share instead of actively listening to you.
Generous/active listening: self-explanatory I guess, but this rare form of listening is when you actively listen to the person sharing their story and thoughts with you. You engage with their story, ask questions, give them the space to express themselves, and feel the room (for example it is important to understand if the person just needs someone to listen to them or if they need advice - unsolicited advice is never okay!)
Finding this frame of reference for the different types of listening was healing to me. I struggle so much in my conversations with people, even with very dear friends, because of the pervasiveness of internal listening. Some conversations feel like a game of tug of war, and I have begun to let go of my end of the rope because I have no energy to fight against the constant barrage of interruptions and internal monologues. We probably don’t realise it, but most of us engage in internal listening vs. generous/active listening, and this framework can help us question the way we act when we communicate with others. Why are we biding time to quip in our fun anecdote? Are we minimising the narratives of the other people around the table to push forward our agenda? What are we really saying about ourselves when we can’t even let someone finish their damn sentence without chirping: “Oh that’s funny, this reminds me of [insert something that has nothing to do with the previous conversation topic]”?
Getting fussed over listening might seem overkill to some of you, but I swear that it has ruined some of my friendships and relationships over the years. I used to put up with a lot of people who used my mental space as an echo chamber for their litany of complaints, stories, and woes. This can only work if the conversation is a two-way street, enriched by our common stories, fuelled by our curiosity and interest in each other lives. Otherwise, one of us is just being squeezed dry on the altar of friendship/romance/[insert any relationship]. If you’ve had any experiences of predatory or internal listeners, or happen to be one yourself, the comments and my DMs are open! Would love to hear if anyone else feels anxious when they sense that conversations are derailed by people who are pro-interrupters and inadvertently monopolise spaces of expression.
[Rant on bad listeners over] I wanted to write about how I also started a computer programming school in January, but I’ll keep that story for upcoming posts. I’ll just say this for now: going back to school the year I turn 30 years old has been truly one of the most humbling experiences of my life. Every single day I am faced with the immensity of things that I don’t know about and that I need to learn to master. But I am happy because I’ll take feeling stupid at school and having the time to learn and work my way through projects anytime over going back to a soul-crunching 9-7 job. Feels good to be learning full-time again.
A couple of pop-culture recs:
Books:
Haven’t been reading/binge-watching as much as I would like to, but a few special mentions go to:
When Life Gives You Mangoes by Kereen Getten - nothing better than a Young Adult novel set in Jamaica with a strong female protagonist and a supernatural subplot to get you reading under the quilt deep into the night. Could not put this one down, and, if anything, just read it for the major plot twist at the end, and/or gift it to the pre-teens and teens around you!
Good Intentions by Kasim Ali - I finished this one last week and when I tell you I HOWLED at the ending. Such a satisfying ending to a romance book. We are privy to a shuffled romance and dating timeline of Nur, a British Pakistani man and Yasmina, a British-Sudanese woman. Nur has hidden his 4-year relationship with Yasmina from his family because, even if she is Muslim, she also happens to be Black and he has no idea how his family will react upon meeting her. Set between Bradford, Nottingham, Manchester and Birmingham, Good Intentions [spoiler] reflects on the lengths Nur is willing to go to question his feelings of inadequacy as a son, the reasons behind his furtiveness, and how he really reckons with Blackness. It is a good read!
Series:
Drôle / Standing Up: for non-Parisians who want to know what it really feels like/looks like to live in Paris, tell Emily to take a hike and watch this instead! I am stunned that I’ve lived to see a day where a French series showcases a dark-skinned Black woman as one of the leads. And, unlike most French comedies, it’s actually pretty clever and funny. Binge watch the six episodes right away!
And that’s a wrap on this one! Hopefully, the trolls won’t come back barking on my page - this month’s newsletter topic is one of my least controversial ones. Thanks to the Substack team, I managed to get a hand on last month’s situation but hey, maybe I’ll trigger a predatory listener or two this time.
Keep safe, keep your masks on in public places and drink at least 1L of water every day,
S.